WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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