You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
