I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
