he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
