yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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