...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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