my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
