just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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