To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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