I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
