i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
