A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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