Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
