I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Let's get the cat blown out
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
