During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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