my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
