Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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