i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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