I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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