Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
