I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
