mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
