No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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