so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
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You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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