This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
