as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...