it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..