she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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