Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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