My hand turned me down
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
