I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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