$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
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I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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