I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
