i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
