I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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