I want to make a zoo with you.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
