i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
