Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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