Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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