I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
