I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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