She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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