i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
