if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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