Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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