Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
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I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
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That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize