Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
