i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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