Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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