i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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