You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
