The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
