listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
