remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
