dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
