Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Randomize
