I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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