My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
