Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Even my vagina gasped.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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