checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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