Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
