i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
